We have a growing rust problem and high humidity, for once, is not the culprit. It's not our cars or boats that are being eaten away little by little. It's our relationships, the core of our society, which are getting rusty.

Photo by Julie Elliott

Rust can develop in a relationship as we drift apart by focusing on children and careers. We stop doing the things that make the important person in our life happy, and we grow silent, especially when our partner gets loud. We blame the other person and wait for change that probably won't come. These and many other problems are the result of poor maintenance, which leads to corrosion.

Rusty relationships foster avoidance, distance and misunderstanding. Rust covers, insulates, and fractures the foundation of a relationship that will, too often, become damaged beyond repair and finally dissolve. The damage is silent, subtle and most of the time overlooked. It spreads by what we say and what we don't say, by what we assume and guess to be true. But we aren't as good at guessing the intentions of our partners as we would like to think. We talk, but we don't listen.

Most of us think avoiding conflict is the easy way out. We either stop talking, or when we do talk, we don't say what we really mean, hoping the problem will go away. This is dangerous. Silence or withholding information does not eliminate conflict, but rather puts off the inevitable, letting the problem fester. When verbal conflict finally happens, it is an accumulated explosion of all the things that we left unsaid. And it does more damage. Do you see a cycle here?

Poor communication in a culture of educated people seems to be creating an epidemic or rusty relationships. Conversely, healthy relationships are a result of gentle, honest, open feedback.

If your partner says, "You never listen to me," "it's a natural reaction to argue the point, justify a position or give examples where listening did, in fact, take place. But by going on the defensive, you are in essence saying, "You are wrong," completely invalidating your loved one's feelings. This is usually followed by silence or escalates into a shouting match. Either way, emotional distance is the result. Resentment begins and the rust gets a foothold.

Too often we allow our partner's questions or statements to put us on the defensive. As a result, we find ourselves attempting to justify or convince our spouse of something. Sometimes it is better to state our intentions or our position without being drawn into a no-win conversation where we feel uncomfortable.

I would like to suggest a technique called "listening beneath the words." We must look for the meaning of the statement. "You never listen to me" can be translated to, "You are very important to me and I miss the conversations we once had," or "I miss you and am feeling lonely." Listening beneath the words allows the listener to hear compliments rather than complaints.

If you want to polish up a rusty relationship, make an effort to ask "gently curious" questions. "Why" is not gentle, but hostile and accusatory. Examples of gentle questions would be, "Help me understand what you mean? What else can you tell me about this? Can you give me examples?" Try saying, "I'm confused."

As you ask these "gently curious" questions, actively listen in order to understand. Keep away from the defensive posture of trying to prove the other person wrong. After taking in what has been said, ask them what they need from you.

This is a good time to say you want to process this new information, and you will resume the discussion later. Then take that time to really think about what was said. Upon your return, be careful because this is a time of vulnerability, but also a great time for closeness and understanding.

Let's look at how being gently curious can work with the same statement:

• "You never listen to me."
• "Sounds like you are upset. What else can you tell me about this?"
• "Well, you just don't ever have time to talk anymore. Other things are more important."
• "Help me understand what you need from me."
• "I just need to know I'm important to you, and what I have to say matters."
• "I want you to know that I love you and care about what you say. Perhaps I have not done a good job of letting you know how important you are."

This is a very difficult but effective shift in the way you and your partner communicate. It is a new way to process what is said or asked. Most times, the end result will be a much better understanding and an opportunity to connect rather than create more distance.

What do you want to experience out of your relationship? Talk to each other about this. Pick a time when you are not angry. Address it not out of justification or attempt to prove your spouse wrong. Look for understanding.

Oil to prevent rust in relationships consists of honesty, openness, and conflict resolution. Honesty needs to be compassionate rather than brutal. Openness is simply telling the truth, gently, and withholding nothing. Conflict resolution is a matter of looking for areas of agreement and ways to compromise.

A fine automobile comes with instructions for maintenance. Without scheduled maintenance the warranty is void, and the car is eventually going to break down. It's important to remember that relationships need maintenance too. Take time to get the rust out. Better still, prevent the rust from forming in the first place.