How Grandparents are Important to Their Grandchildren

Changing Ideas about Grandparenting

Ideas about the role of grandparents have changed dramatically. The first articles about grandparents published in the 1930s and 1940s, written mostly by psychiatrists, focused on the negative effects of meddlesome grandmothers who interfered in their children’s childrearing with old-fashioned views. A 1952 study by Staples presented a kinder view, explaining that "a well-liked grandma . . . keeps up with the times . . . [and] makes transition from position of responsibility to rendering interested helpful service.”

By the 1960s and 1970s, grandparents were looked upon more favorably. Grandparents tended to hold less strict and authoritarian views and were more indulgent and warm than a decade before. In 1981, Kornhaber and Woodward described a "vital connection" of grandparents to grandchildren, focusing on the important influence grandparents have in the lives of their grandchildren.

Transition to Grandparenthood

Becoming a grandparent is both an exciting and stressful time. It has been called a "countertransition" because grandparents can’t control when this stage of their life begins. The transition is ongoing. Most grandparents have more than one grandchild, so they are grandparents to young grandchildren over a period of years.

This transition period may overlap with other important events and responsibilities. Most grandparents experience a period of time when they still have their own children living at home. Grandparents may also be caring for elderly parents. As the years progress, grandparents generally retire and often husbands pass away.

Grandparenthood does not come naturally. It requires thinking and planning. Dr. Carson offers the following advice on making the transition to becoming a grandparent:

• Grandparenting requires some juggling and reorganizing to make time for grandchildren, but grandparents need not feel they must drop everything to devote all their time to their new role. Do what’s right for you when deciding how much time and effort to devote to grandparenthood.
  
  
• Although becoming a grandparent signifies a major change in one’s life, there aren’t any rituals in society that recognize this. Rituals help give meaning and value to major events. Start your own tradition of grandparenthood. Hold a tree-planting ceremony with your family to symbolize new life as each new grandchild is born, write in a journal about your grandchildren, compose a poem, or write letters to your new grandbabies. Experienced grandmothers can help new grandmothers by hosting a grandbaby shower, encouraging gifts like unbreakable dishes, books to share with grandchildren, toys, videos, and audiotapes, a tape recorder to record voices and stories, etc.
  
  
• Realize that your relationship with adult children may change. Parents need support, but giving advice can be tricky. It tends to be useful only when asked for. You will likely be tempted to jump in when you see a solution to a problem that your child doesn’t see, but for him or her to ask your opinion is always wise. Remember that grandparents are not in charge. Try to be supportive and encouraging to new parents and remember that everyone learns from their mistakes. When visiting, respect the rules that parents have set up and follow them.
  
  

The Rewards of Being a Grandparent

Grandparenthood brings many benefits. Grandparents don’t have to worry about the everyday responsibilities of childcare such as getting kids out of bed, dressed, fed, and out the door to school. They have the freedom to decide how involved they want to be in their grandchildren’s lives. Without any ultimate responsibility, they are free to savor their grandchildren’s natural spontaneity, joy, innocence, and affection.

Grandparents enjoy their role for many reasons, including feeling young again, gaining emotional fulfillment, sharing in their grandchildren’s activities, and observing their grandchildren’s development. Grandparents who have the most contact with their grandchildren report the most satisfaction.

One grandmother explained why being a grandparent is fulfilling for her: "Having grandchildren is the vindication of everything I have done as a parent. When we see our children passing on our values to another generation, we know we have been successful." This grandmother points to how effective communication won in her own marriage.

A Unique Bond between Grandparents and Grandchildren

Often a special bond connects grandparent and grandchild. Both are outside the mainstream of society: children are "too young" and grandparents are "too old." Grandparents don’t carry the parental burdens of taking care of daily needs, helping with schoolwork, chauffeuring, disciplining, etc. Because of grandparents’ wisdom, experience, and broader perspective, they are often more accepting of grandchildren. In addition, they can afford to be more indulgent.

Victor Hugo related a story that illustrates the unique friendship between grandparent and grandchild: "My granddaughter was made to sit in a closet with no food as punishment. When I snuck her a cookie I said, ‘I could get in a lot of trouble for doing this. They may put me in the closet.’ She answered, ‘Don’t worry grandfather, then I will bring you a cookie.’"

When grandchildren become adolescents, their parents may be very emotionally involved and concerned. Grandparents’ greater emotional and physical distance can enable them to see things more objectively and more broadly. Often they can provide a listening ear without passing judgment. Many adults express fond memories of their grandparents during this period of life and express sentiments such as, "I would never have made it without my grandparents."

Multiple Roles of Grandparents

Grandparents can have an impact on their grandchildren’s lives in many different ways. They can act as the family historian, mentor, playmate, nurturer, role model, confidante, advocate, advisor, and surrogate parent. They also can profoundly influence the development of their grandchildren, including the following ways:

• Impart a sense of identity. Grandparents are a living link to the past and provide a child with a sense of identity and knowledge about ancestors. They can build appreciation for ancestors by acting as a family historian. As they share memories of their own childhood and tell stories about their children (their grandchildren’s parents), they help grandchildren feel connected to their family.
  
  

Barusch and Steen call grandparents "keepers of community" because they often interpret and pass on knowledge of events and people in their culture. To help children understand their heritage, grandparents can tell stories, show pictures, do genealogy, collect family recipes, explain heirlooms, and organize family reunions.

Joseph Kennedy Jr. remembered his Grandma Rose sharing the past with him by showing him pictures. "We thought she was just sharing old memories until she showed us an ad for employment that said ‘No Irish need apply.’ Then she admonished us to ‘never forget what our roots were.’"

• Provide unconditional love. Children gain self-esteem and self-confidence by feeling loved. The greatest gift grandparents can give their grandchildren is unconditional love and support. Research tells us that the bond between grandparent and grandchild is second only to the bond between parent and child. Kornhaber calls this bond "clear love"--love with no strings attached. Other studies have found that this special bond persists into adulthood.
  
  
• Represent hope for the future. Grandparents can show their grandchildren that growing older does not mean becoming bored or boring. As grandparents continue learning, stay active, enjoy hobbies, and keep mentally and physically fit, they show their grandchildren that the future is bright at any age. Grandparents who keep up with the times and are aware of what’s going on around them build credibility with their grandchildren and are more likely to have an influence. By living with energy, purpose, and a good attitude, grandparents can send the message that life is good even as we age.
  
  
• Be a source of stability and security. Grandparents can provide stability and security for their grandchildren by being available to help in times of need. Many grandparents are the rocks of the extended family—someone family members can always turn to for help. Because all grandparents have lived through hardships, they can reassure younger generations that they too can endure troubled times.
  
  
• Act as a mentor. Grandparents are a gold mine of knowledge, experience, advice, talents, and skills. Reading to grandchildren, telling stories, and sharing skills such as gardening, crocheting, cooking, and car repair give grandparents ways to spend time with grandchildren. Spending time together not only allows grandparents to teach specific skills but also to talk together, listen, give advice, and share experience and ideas.
  
  
• Exemplify positive values, ideals, and beliefs. One of the most powerful ways to teach is by example. Most children are very observant and will imitate what they see adults do. Grandchildren can learn good morals and values by observing what grandparents say and how they act. When grandparents attend church every week, grandchildren see the importance of religion. When grandparents work hard, even if retired, they demonstrate a strong work ethic. By showing love for one another and encouraging, helping, and learning together, grandparents exemplify how to build a happy and enduring marriage.
  
  

Understanding Young Grandchildren

In order to be the best grandparent one can be, it is important to understand the development of grandchildren. Erik Erikson offered a model of the life cycle with eight stages corresponding to eight emotional tasks to be learned. Five of the stages are:

Stage One: Birth to 2 years

During this stage, children learn to develop trust. If their needs are met and they feel safe and secure, they will become trusting. Grandparents can be helpful at this stage by providing positive encouragement to parents and by babysitting occasionally to give parents time alone, which in turn helps them maintain a healthy marriage. They should interact with the baby by talking, singing, holding, rocking, and playing, but allow the infant have alone time, too.

Stage Two: 2 to 4 years

This stage includes the "terrible twos" when "NO!" becomes a child’s favorite word and he wants to do everything himself as he tries to achieve autonomy. There is nothing more frustrating than arguing with a two-year-old or three-year-old, so avoid these power struggles and keep your sense of humor. For example, when your granddaughter says "no" to going inside, simply take her by the hand and gently lead her in.

Children are learning to separate from their parents during this stage, so providing opportunities for positive experiences away from mommy and daddy can help foster autonomy. Encourage exploration by taking them on nature walks and providing opportunities for social interaction with others.

Stage Three: 4 to 7 years

Initiative is the task children work on at this age; they love to plan, make, and do. Grandparents can help by introducing new ideas, skills, projects, and hobbies. Children at this age love being given small jobs but still need guidance. You might squeeze oranges together, wash the car, garden, etc. Take them seriously and respect what they are feeling.

Children at this stage also love to play and pretend. Using their imagination stimulates creativity. When pretending together, understand that children like to repeat the same play situations over and over. To avoid getting bored, try to vary the theme but don’t control their imagination.

Stage Four: 7 to 13 years

This is the stage for attaining industry. Children are ready to work and need opportunities to learn. School fills many of these needs, and you can encourage further work and learning by doing projects with your grandchildren such as baking cookies, making a birdhouse, taking them on outings, telling stories, and encouraging interest in music, sports, art, and nature.

Stage Five: 14 to 22 years

This is the prime time when children seek to find their identity. Peers become more important and parents less important. Be available to listen and avoid judging. Relate to them by sharing personal experiences and your ideas and philosophies of life but without lecturing. Encourage them to try hard in school and pursue their interests. Teach them about their cultural heritage. Support their parents. Have adventures together. Teach them constructive problem solving.

Enjoying Adult Grandchildren

People are living longer than ever before, and today it is more the rule than the exception to have at least one grandchild over the age of 18. Only recently has the relationship between grandparents and their adult grandchildren been a subject of researchers’ attention.

The role of grandparents changes as grandchildren grow up, get married, and have children of their own. Although contact and proximity usually decrease as the grandchild becomes independent, the relationship is still influential and important. A large proportion of adult grandchildren keep in regular contact with their closest grandparent. Their relationship with grandparents comes to be based on friendship rather than obligation. More than 80 percent of teenagers see their grandparents as someone they can confide in. Good relationships with young grandchildren grow into good relationships with adult grandchildren.

The most significant effect grandparents have on adult grandchildren is in the area of value development. Studies of college students found that grandparents were important in establishing political, religious, sexual, moral, and educational values as well as family ideals, work ethic, and identity. Grandparents often continue to give emotional and financial support to adult grandchildren, and grandchildren in turn feel responsibility to care for grandparents in their old age.

Among the activities that help to bring adult grandchildren and grandfathers closer are family get-togethers (reunions, birthday celebrations, picnics, holidays), working together, recreational activities (games, puzzles, hunting, fishing), and conversing. This is the time to establish a strong bond based on frequent contact, serving one another, and talking to each other.

Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships with Grandchildren

When living far away, it is important to keep in touch with your grandchildren and be with them in spirit. Make a list of important dates to remember such as birthdays, recitals, and sports competitions. Do something special to acknowledge these events.

Talking on the phone is a great way to keep in contact. Children are never too young to listen to your voice. Here are some guidelines for telephone calls:

• At the beginning of the conversation, ask if it’s a good time to talk. If it’s not, be willing to call back later.
  
  
• Ask specific questions that don’t require a simple "yes" or "no."
  
  
• Help grandchildren know you by telling them about yourself and what you did that day.
  
  
• Listen sympathetically.
  
  
• Talk to each grandchild individually, not together by speakerphone or by using multiple extensions.
  
  

Letters are a wonderful way to let grandchildren know you’re thinking of them. They also provide a tangible memento. Children love to get letters in the mail. Include small items like stickers or pictures to let them know you’re thinking of them. Encourage their writing skills by asking them to write back. To help them know you better, tape-record yourself reading a story or send pictures of yourself doing something you do frequently.

Email provides for quick and easy communication. Websites that allow families to have their own web pages offer a place to show photos, share anecdotes, and remind of special dates.

Make Visits Meaningful and Enjoyable

• Plan an outing or project you can do together to give parents time off.
  
  
• Help parents with household chores.
  
  
• Plan visits around holidays or major events and share your traditions and culture.
  
  
• Take lots of pictures and send copies to help your grandchildren remember your visit.

When grandchildren travel to visit you:

• Prepare by putting away breakables and making your house as safe and free from hazards as possible.
  
  
• Before the grandchildren arrive, ask them what they want to do while they’re visiting and plan accordingly.
  
  
• Arrange your schedule so you can have plenty of time together.
  
  
• Remind yourself that children have lots of energy and things will inevitably be a little crazy.
  
  
• Develop a collection of toys, crayons, books, and movies.
  
  
• Plan meals ahead of time and have nutritious snacks available.
  
  
• Make sure your grandchildren have lots of opportunities for free playtime.
  
  
• Remain flexible. Things rarely go as planned, especially when children are involved.
  
  
• Pace yourself. Don’t try to do too much.

Giving Gifts

Gifts show your grandchildren you love them and value them. It is important to get parents’ permission first to avoid possible problems. Think about what effect you want your gift to have. Should it encourage learning, develop skills, introduce new ideas, be just for fun, encourage play? Don’t wait only for special occasions or you may miss opportunities to foster learning and growth. Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Here are some ideas for gifts:

• Toys such as blocks, play dough, puzzles.
  
  
• Books.
  
  
• Clothes (make sure to ask adolescents exactly what they want).
  
  
• Money for lessons.
  
  
• Tickets to music events, plays, sporting events.
  
  
• Money donated to charity in a grandchild’s name.

After all the activity you have with your grandchildren, you’re now ready to take a few days off and pat yourself on the back for a wedding occurring many years before.